Voodoo Dolls
by Spongyllama
Summary: Sirius has taken up a strange new habit: making voodoo dolls of everyone he knows. Now a twoshot which is an alternate ending. Bits of LJ, please review.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Haha, this is horrible and stupid. Whatever, I'll post it. I don't know if this should be under the category of LJ ficlet or Sirius-being-Sirius ficlet. Both, I guess.

Disclaimer: Oh, no, this is only in honor that the 6th movie is _finally_ being released! Let's all celebrate and say together: I do not own any of my fanfictions, nor anything in the fandom other than a Gryffindor scarf and a fake wand.

On that similar note, is anyone else absolutely terrified that the Half-Blood Prince will be absolutely horrible, sort of like OOTP was?

**Voodoo Dolls**

Sirius Black had always been... rather odd, to say the least. He was frequently reminded of this, in fact, by a certain Remus Lupin, although however many times he heard it, it would just bounce off him as though it had never been said.

His strangeness could be perfectly demonstrated if one looked into his past: at the age of four he had gotten particularly upset from his brother stealing a precious toy of Sirius' the minute he learned to walk, and Sirius retaliated by getting angry and accidentally turning Regulus into a cheery yellow, purple polka dotted box of Muggle Cheerios. This, of course, made his mother furious, first at the fact that Sirius had turned his 'perfect' brother into a not-so-perfect yellow box, then at the fact that Sirius created something Muggle, and everyone knows that yellow, happy, Muggle things do not belong in the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.

Another perfect example would be, of course, the full moon day that he was struck with the desperate urge to chase his tail, thus receiving him _odd_ looks from his friends, who didn't think much of it because, well... he was Sirius Black.

And it stayed as such even until seventh year, where he was found one day sitting in his dormitory, doing something that would be quite surprising to someone who wasn't in his innermost circle of friends – he was playing. With dolls.

No, scratch that – even his friends thought he was out of his mind.

"Okay," said Sirius' obvious best friend, James Potter. "I'm back from trying to get Lily to go out with me – I mean, er, Quidditch Practice – Padfoot, what are you doing?"

"He's playing with dolls," said Remus from behind a book, one which he had probably already read twenty times and was just looking for a way to avoid Sirius' antics.

"They are most certainly _not_ dolls, Moony, start gaining some common sense," Sirius retorted. "They are _voodoo_ dolls."

"Voodoo dolls?" James and Remus said in unison, equally shocked, but not too much.

"Yeah, that's why I nicked all those pins from Madame Pomfrey last week." To Remus' stern look, he added, "What, it's not like people use stitches here!"

Remus decided not to ask how Sirius knew what Muggle stitches were. "Point is, I made all of us!" Sirius continued. "Here's Remus, and isn't he cute!" He brandished an admittedly adorable plush of Remus in front of him, waving him wildly in a way that, had the voodoo dolls actually worked, Remus would have a terrible migraine from being flung around so violently.

"Actually, I am," Remus said, sitting beside James on Sirius' bed, admiring the work.

"And here's Prongsie," he continued, picking up a doll, "And Wormtail," he picked up another, "And Professor McGonagall." He finished, grabbing a doll with tartan clothing and a box of biscuits.

"You need to drop this obsession with McGonagall, Padfoot," Remus said, somewhat in shock.

"How much bloody time did you spend on making my hair this messy?" James asked, admiring Sirius' effort.

"Oh, you better be grateful, your hair is not easy to imitate! I almost resorted to chopping some off while you were asleep!" Sirius' expression was grim as James' hand jumped to his hair protectively. His hand rumpled it even more in immediate reaction when Sirius said, "Oh and here's Lily!"

"You made Lily?! Let me see!"

"Better restrain him, Sirius, before he starts making out with the doll," Remus said, letting a chuckle escape his lips.

"That's a brilliant idea!" Sirius exclaimed, grabbing the James and Lily dolls and making them face each other.

"No..." James said, a look of comprehension on his face. "Padfoot, don't torture me!"

Sirius let out an evil laugh. "Oh, _James_," he said in a would-be high-pitched voice, surely supposed to be Lily. "I'm so sorry I've been in denial all these years, I love you even though you're not as hot as Sirius! Muah!" He made the dolls start kissing – if a doll could kiss, that was.

James snatched up his and Lily's doll and hid them out of Sirius' reach. "Where's your doll, then?"

"Oh right here, but I'm not letting anyone touch him."

"Please, it's not like they're real."

"You don't know that for sure, Prongs."

"How the bloody hell did you learn to make voodoo dolls anyway?"

"Little Death Eater children in my family use them because they're not old enough to start killing people for real yet."

"Ah."

"Yeah. Anyway," Sirius said, drawing away from that subject, "I shall demonstrate. Here is Remus." Non-voodoo-doll-Remus raised his eyebrow. "Here is a pin. If I poke you're stomach, see? You're perfectly fine."

"True..." Remus agreed hastily. "Fine. Just don't get too carried away, it's a bit scary."

"No it isn't," James said as they both got up from Sirius' bed to go down to lunch. "A seventeen-year-old Hogwarts student playing with dolls? That's not disturbing at all."

"I think it is," Peter said out of the blue. Everyone jumped; they hadn't known he was in there. Suppose he was snoring somewhat quieter than normal.

"Sarcasm, Wormtail."

"Oh."

–

Sirius and James were walking, Peter and Remus nowhere to be seen, Sirius patting his voodoo doll inside his pocket loyally, James going off about Quidditch and Lily. As usual.

"Nah, I'm sure she'll pull through soon, mate. How're Head duties and such?"

"Would be better, if I didn't have to be just _friends_ with her...."

"True, who would want to be just friends with someone like that?" James punched him.

"Ow!"

"That didn't hurt."

"No, but I feel like someone just beat my whole body to a pulp! Like my mother, for instance."

"I didn't punch you that hard...."

"No, you punched..." he paused. "You punched Little Sirius."

"What?"

"Sirius Jr.! My voodoo doll!"

"I punched – Sirius Jr.?"

"Yeah, I've been keeping him in my pocket so no one could touch him! He's so precious!"

"So I punched... and now you're...." The boys' eyes widened simultaneously.

"Let's, er... pretend this never happened, eh, Prongs?"

"Yeah, I think that's for the best...."

–

That night, during dinner, Sirius was approached.

"What the bloody hell did you do with my doll today?!" Remus asked furiously, slamming his hands down on the table and making people look.

"What ever do you mean, dear Remus?" Sirius said innocently, showing a look he had perfected (mostly for McGonagall) to Remus.

"I have had the worst day of my life today, which I never thought would happen on a not full moon!"

"I _seriously_ have no idea what you're talking about."

"Don't even, with the pun... Just look at this!" He raised a small portion of his shirt to show a strange, painful-looking wound, the likes of which Sirius had never seen.

"Mhm?"

"That's exactly where you stabbed me earlier!"

"You better not use that tone of voice with me, Mr. Lupin," Sirius said. "Don't worry, I'm sure it's just a mark you didn't notice from Prongs' antler or something."

"Hey, they aren't that sharp," James interjected, barely looking away from Lily.

"And then, you had that Slytherin Mucliber's voodoo doll – Merlin knows why you even made one of him – 'hex' me."

"What did he use?" James asked, suddenly having his interest sparked.

"A stinging hex, aimed for my upper arm. I had to go to bloody Madame Pomfrey to get it down," Remus said bitterly, staring at Sirius the whole time. "My point? Sirius, stop it with the voodoo dolls."

"Remus, Remus, Remus...."

"I mean it!"

Sirius sighed in defeat.

–

James sighed. He was walking beside a doll-playing Sirius, a stuffed-full Peter, and a fuming Remus, all of which were lost in their own reverie and preoccupied with their own thoughts. Remus was angry over the voodoo doll incident, particularly the ones involving him. Peter was secretly thinking about more food, planning out what he would eat in dinner. Sirius was having a conversation in his mind with his doll, possibly because he was just odd, as was already mentioned. And James was thinking about Lily.

Ah, Lily, sweet Lily, beautiful, fiery, adorable Lily. The very same Lily Evans that Sirius had so horribly made the voodoo doll of kiss his own. The very same Lily that he wished would just run up to him one day and proclaim her undying love – or, at least that she finally wanted to date him.

Abruptly, he stopped. Right in the middle of the completely empty corridor, other than his friends. The Marauders, noticing something seemed odd, turned around to stare at him, breaking out of their planning, fumes, or imaginary conversations. They all looked inquiringly at his sloppy grin, and almost immediately recognized it as his Lily-grin.

"Prongs, you look like an idiot," Sirius so kindly stated, breaking the silence.

"You don't understand!" James said eagerly. "The voodoo dolls! The rest of them all came true...."

"Oh yeah, I forgot to mention," Peter spoke, out of the blue once again. "Remus had that outburst towards me that his voodoo doll made at mine."

"You made my voodoo doll do that, too?!" Remus exclaimed angrily, staring at Sirius, who shrugged nonchalantly. James was still staring ahead in a daze.

All the other things _had_ come true, so maybe....

"POTTER!"

Yes. Oh, yes.

"Why yes, Lily?" James said coolly, nonchalantly as Sirius, turning to meet Lily's angry – and yet not – face.

"Oh, _James_," she said. Word for word, inflection for inflection, from when Sirius....

This wasn't happening.

"I've been thinking," Lily continued, somehow overlooking the dropped jaw of all four Marauders. "I know we're just friends, and I really hope you haven't completely given up on me, because I'd like to take up that longtime date offer, if you don't mind."

The four boys were completely silent, staring at her like they had never seen someone in such a light. Hardly giving James a chance to breathe, Lily ran up and kissed him on the lips, close to the manner that their voodoo dolls had done previously that day.

Behind them, Sirius quietly pulled out his James and Lily voodoo dolls, and mimed them, Remus rolling his eyes and walking away and Peter staring in awe as Lily acted as never before. Eventually, the three non-snogging Marauders departed back to their dorm.

–

"PADFOOT!" Sirius looked up as their dorm door slammed open and shut some twenty minutes later. To his surprise, James ran up, grabbed the voodoo doll Sirius, and hugged him, probably feeling too awkward hugging Sirius himself. "You just made my life a _million_ times easier! And better! And...more filled with LILY!"

"At least it helped someone's day," Remus grumbled from his bed, behind a book as usual.

"Hush up, Remus, you're annoying. No problem, Prongsie my boy – dear Merlin I sound like Slughorn – it was all part of my brilliant plan, entitled, 'Sirius Black's Ah-mazing Plan To Get Lily And Prongs Together By Using Voodoo Dolls While Ruining Moony's Day At The Same Time.'"

"Four galleons says he just made that up right now, because he's an arrogant wannabe voodoo priestess."

"Look at the time! Moony, you should be in bed!" Sirius near shouted, clearly making himself heard over Remus.

"It's eight –"

"NOW, Lupin!"

And while they were all yelling, praising voodoo dolls, and worshiping Lily, no one noticed as Peter secretly took the James and Lily dolls, saying very, very quietly so no one would hear him, "Haha, now the Dark Lord will have them at his disposal."

"What was that Peter?"

"Oh, uh... nothing, nothing, going to sleep is all."

Thus four boys went to bed, all thinking about voodoo dolls either happily, thankfully, evilly, or hatefully.

A/N: Thanks for reading, I know it was stupid, 'specially the end, but you know. Plot bunnies. However, I must say I was sorely tempted to make an alternate ending where Lily walks up to James and slaps him or something for trying to kiss her, figuring the voodoo doll would have made it happen anyway. You know, funny ending and all. Unfortunately, I'm a sucker for tons and tons of LJ.

On an entirely random note: I just watched the Prisoner of Azkaban (best one) tonight for the millionth time, did anyone else notice they spell 'Moony' wrong on the map? Drives me siriusly insane every time I see it.


	2. Alternate Ending

A/N: I made an alternate ending that I thought would also be funny but thought the original ending was much better. I copied some of the original then changed it. This one contains less Peter-bashing too, so.. that can be either good or bad. You decide.

**Chapter Two – Alternate Ending**

James sighed. He was walking beside a doll-playing Sirius, a stuffed-full Peter, and a fuming Remus, all of which were lost in their own reverie and preoccupied with their own thoughts. Remus was angry over the voodoo doll incident, particularly the ones involving him. Peter was secretly thinking about more food, planning out what he would eat in dinner. Sirius was having a conversation in his mind with his doll, possibly because he was just odd, as was already mentioned. And James was thinking about Lily.

Ah, Lily, sweet Lily, beautiful, fiery, adorable Lily. The very same Lily Evans that Sirius had so horribly made the voodoo doll of kiss his own. The very same Lily that he wished would just run up to him one day and proclaim her undying love – or, at least that she finally wanted to date him.

Abruptly, he stopped. Right in the middle of the completely empty corridor, other than his friends. The Marauders, noticing something seemed odd, turned around to stare at him, breaking out of their planning, fumes, or imaginary conversations. They all looked inquiringly at his sloppy grin, and almost immediately recognized it as his Lily-grin.

"Prongs, you look like an idiot," Sirius so kindly stated, breaking the silence.

"You don't understand!" James said eagerly. "The voodoo dolls! The rest of them all came true...."

"Oh yeah, I forgot to mention," Peter spoke, out of the blue once again. "Remus had that outburst towards me that his voodoo doll made at mine."

"You made my voodoo doll do that, too?!" Remus exclaimed angrily, staring at Sirius, who shrugged nonchalantly. James was still staring ahead in a daze.

All the other things _had_ come true, so maybe....

"POTTER!"

Yes. Oh, yes.

"Why Lily! How lovely to see you!" James said, turning to see his lovely little flower – although 'lovely' didn't _quite_ fit this situation.

Her lips were pursed, her hands on her hips with a stern look about her. In any other situation, the boys may have recoiled slightly, but in this, where they all fully expected Lily to do exactly what Sirius had made her do...

"Oh, James..." she started, oblivious to the jaw drop of the Marauders before her. "I just wanted to –"

But... she was cut off. James, in all his lovestruck happiness, had idiotically decided to interrupt her with what he knew she was going to do. Er... what he _thought_ he knew.

He kissed her.

It lasted for a few seconds, rather than the twenty minutes the lovestruck fool would have liked, as Lily quickly broke it off.

...With a slap.

"I was just going to tell you that we were going to have a prefects meeting tomorrow night," she said coldly, turning to go. He wasn't sure, but he also thought he heard her mutter, "Perve."

A different kind of silence broke through, rather than the kind that had vibrated through the corridor during the kiss itself. A silence where Sirius was nervous, Remus was slightly bemused, Peter was confused, and James was... furious. At Sirius.

"You idiot!" he fumed, turning towards the suddenly quite afraid dog. "You just ruined all my chances! All of them! All because of your _bloody voodoo dolls!_"

"No, Prongs, no!" Sirius shouted. "It wasn't my fault! IT WAS ALL REMUS'!"

"What?"

"HIDE ME, REMUS, HIDE ME!"

"No!" the werewolf said, stepping out of James' way towards Sirius. "You ruined my day as well! You deserve all the punches and Quaffles that are going to be thrown at you!"

Sirius abruptly ran down the hallway. James followed.

"NEXT TIME YOU SEE MY ANTLERS YOU BETTER RUN, SIRIUS BLACK!"

"AAAHHH!"

Remus sighed. "See you in the hospital wing, Padfoot...."

–

A/N: Teehee. Slightly more crack-ish, but I hope you liked it. I'm just a bored high school sophomore looking for reviews, here....


End file.
